Combat Loneliness With Love

Reach out to the elderly and children with messages of kindness and caring

By Ron Ciancutti

And the waitress is practicing politics,

As the businessmen slowly get stoned,

Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness, 

But it’s better than drinking alone.”

--Billy Joel, “The Piano Man”

© Dunca Daniel | Dreamstime.com

Dale rolled over in bed and glanced at the clock. It read 6:02 a.m. It would be another hour before sunrise. He swung his feet to the side of the bed, tugged the one blanket he slept with into place, and headed to the bathroom. The daily ritual included a shave, a shower, some meds, vitamins, and a quick clean-up of the bathroom. He headed down to the kitchen. It was now 6:30. He made a single cup of coffee, two eggs, and one piece of toast, eating them while standing at the sink. He rinsed the plate and cup and went outside to feed the birds that were waiting around the feeder. At least they appreciated Dale. He gave the garden a quick spritz and sat at the picnic table to watch the rising sun. Now widowed for three years, he thought about calling his daughter who would be heading to work, but he had called her the day before and could sense she politely tolerated him.

Dale bowed his head and said his morning prayer. He was grateful for his health, his home, his successful retirement, and the years he and his wife had together. He knew he was fortunate in many ways. Despite all that was so good, he was just so darn lonely. He valued his acquaintances at the coffee shop and the people at the grocery store, but he didn’t know any of their last names and only a few first names. At least he had his memories, right? He just wished he had the chance to make some new ones, perhaps a fresh chapter in his book of life.

I have sensed that, on one extreme, the elderly, widowed, and retired are dealing well with loneliness; meanwhile, many children and young adults seem to be developing new sources of loneliness.

Sadness Statistics

I submit that the rise of social media and the decline of face-to-face communication are also leading to much isolation and loneliness in this country. Social media creates a distorted view of reality, where people only share their best moments and work to bury their problems and difficulties beneath what I call “the shade of omission.” People read these enhanced versions of others’ lives and feel their own lives are comparatively worthless. The social isolation it produces leads to stress. These conditions suppress the immune system, which can lead to depression, infection, diabetes, inflammation, and even heart disease. According to the AARP Foundation, these are as harmful as obesity and smoking.

Add to this mix reports from CIGNA that indicate half of all Americans report feeling lonely most of the time with suggestions that this number is increasing.

It is interesting to note, however, that 25 percent of adults from ages 18 to 29 report “chronic” loneliness, while only 9 percent of Americans 65 and over wrestle with that problem. The conclusion is that older folks have less dependency on social media and still enjoy friends and family on a face-to-face basis. Didn’t COVID teach all of us the danger and fallout that comes with such isolationism?

Reports from the www.thetreetop.com website reveal:

• 12 percent of Americans say they have no close friends

• 47 percent report no real meaningful relationships in their life

• 57 percent report eating all their meals alone

The Kaiser Family Foundation notes that at least 22 percent of American adults deal with feelings of isolation and loneliness every day, which means more than 1 in 5 are living with these feelings as they work, play, and deal with life. Is it any wonder that commercial television is inundated with advertisements for help meds, counseling, and mental-health clinics? If they’re not telling us it’s OK to have issues, they’re asking whether we’re avoiding them. Yikes, what a self-fulfilling mess. 

And though I hear the constant refrain of “depression” in commercials these days, coming up fast seems to be the hand-in-hand partner called “anxiety.” Well, doesn’t it make sense that all of this isolation may lead to an inability to properly socialize?  

© Canettistock | Dreamstime.com

Put Down The Phones

Parents really need to step up here before it is too late. I know the peer pressure to give a child all the phone freedom he or she desires is enormous for fear a child will be “left behind,” but strap on the parent boots and get in the game. Part of a parent’s job is to fill a kid’s mind with good things, and that includes putting one’s foot down and saying, “Put down that phone and read this book.”

Here are my suggestions regarding social media and kids (and I know there’s a tidal wave of resistance):

• Hold out as long as possible before issuing a child a cell phone (I like age 16, but good luck with that).

• Try limiting phone use, at least at certain times, like “no phones at the dinner table.”

• Use parental controls wherever possible. I know kids seem so mature, but they’re still kids.

• Employ friends and family to keep watch as well. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “OK, gang, let’s put the phones down and get outside and on those bikes.” 

• Network with other parents who may notice your kid coming over to their house just to get Mom and Dad off the child’s back about which websites and apps are being used.

I have a friend who gave his kids cell phones but had the devices put in his name. If he calls his kids and they don’t answer, he immediately goes to the phone website and cancels the service. Within minutes his kids call him from a friend’s cell and report that the line is having trouble. He explains there is no trouble, that he has canceled service. “If I call you and you can’t answer me, you have no phone, period.” Add to that the multiple parent controls and transparencies, and he hasn’t had a problem going forward. That’s parenting: no fight, no challenge, simply establishing who is in charge.

Hopefully, with strategies like these, we attack the problem at the root. I watch my daughters deal with their kids on this topic all the time. It sure doesn't help that the younger ones are many times more capable with technology than anyone born after 1985. But my daughters hang in there and fight the good fight; they know their children need guidance.

The Power Of Human Interaction

Sadly, though, there’s little that can be done about older, retired, lonely folks who make up the rest of the statistical tree. If the children and grandchildren care enough to visit the elderly and take them places, it is a blessing; yet, many seniors have no such support. I have found that, as my family ages, there are robust programs as well as transportation available in most cities if seniors know how and where to source them. My aunt, who normally resists things like that (“I hate BINGO!”), was coaxed into a group-knitting function one Christmas at city hall, where about 60 ladies made hats and scarves for needy families. She met two women with whom she still keeps in touch and calls often. Sometimes, just one friend can make a real difference.

The upcoming holidays are a particularly emotional time for many. Find room in your heart to reach out to those whom you know are lonely; the rewards will come back to you in truckloads. It will make your day when you make their day. If we don’t take care of each other, who will?

Ron Ciancutti worked in the parks and recreation industry since he was 16 years old, covering everything from maintenance, operations, engineering, surveying, park management, design, planning, recreation, and finance. He is now retired. He holds a B.S. in Business from Bowling Green State University and an M.B.A. from Baldwin Wallace University. He is not on Facebook, but he can be reached at ron@northstarpubs.com.